“Honor thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise.” – Ephesians 6:2

     It was during my role as a caretaker that I became acquainted with my father, not simply as a parent, but a friend and mentor. It was through his example and shared family-stories that I became aware of his legacy, a commitment to family, friends and community: a sincere appreciation for any act of kindness, thankfulness for the blessings in his life, and a perspective of human goodness. As he said, “My mother always said if you don’t have something good to say, don’t say it.” During his final hours, as I sat by his bed-side, I realized it was the combination of his philosophy and stress reduction strategies that made our caretaking experience work.

     First, be realistic in the scope of a commitment. Caring for an elderly parent, during my mother’s era, was sandwich between the responsibilities of children and maintaining a home. Today, it is layered with a professional career, children, grandchildren, and sometimes, great-grandchildren as well as maintaining a home. In fact, it could be a single parent struggling to cope with the multiple layers of responsibility. So, a caretaker must be realistic in his/her commitment.

     Solicit equal involvement of all family members. Caring for an elderly parent is an equal opportunity experience. Yet, in most cases, primary care defaults to one person. If you are the default caretaker, focus your time, energy and patience on your parent. Regardless of the reason for the lack of other people participating i.e. an attitude of denial, indifference or selfishness, the focus should never be sibling bickering. Caring for an elderly person is already an emotionally draining experience without the added loss of personal energy directed toward irresponsible siblings and/or other family members.

     Identify and more importantly, hook into community services and resources designed to inform and provide helpful services. National or State funded as well as private elder-care services exist. Contact your state funded Aging/Senior program. This type of program offers planned activities, day-care and home visit services. Affordable non-medical private care services are available. Take advantage of these services and supplement your caretaker role.

     Hook into whatever provides personal solace and balance for stress. Whether it is spiritual, sports, gardening, reading or a combination of these activities, participate in activities recognized to balance stress. Aware a result of my caretaker role could be the loss of personal health, acquaintances forewarn me through sharing family stories of situations in which the caretaker became so overwhelmed by daily responsibility that he/she became disabled or died. As a caretaker, understand the affect of long-term stress on your health and participate in activities that reduce stress and provide solace.

     Be your parent’s advocate. Too many times, an elderly person is ignored, mistreated or viewed as expendable. Protect your parent’s life-style. For example, while in his 80s, my Dad experienced heart failure. Through extensive health tests, persistence and advocacy, we - Dad’s  doctor and I - convinced Medicare to approve payment for open-heart surgery. Specific to my father’s health, the question was considering his age and general health would his normal life expediency exceed the expected limitation of a heart valve recipient. Unfortunately, similar to any business decision, Medicare reviews a patient’s treatment in terms of cost/benefit. While it may sound callous or cold hearted to calculate the benefit of a person’s life, it is up to you as your parent’s advocate to ensure his/her health options.

     Identify medical resources. Wellness for an elderly person relies on the skill of internal medicine. It was Dad’s internal medicine doctor that monitored his health, adjusted his medications, initiated specialized treatment, and talked to me, the caretaker, concerning expectations, treatment or health care issues. Over a ten-year period, Dad and I experienced his diagnosis of heart disease, malignant skin cancer and Alzheimer’s disease. Each time, it was proactive internal medicine that sustained his life-style and stabilized the stress of my caretaker role.

     Identify subsidized medical treatment. In his latter years, Dad was diagnosis with Alzheimer’s disease. In broad terms, it is an inability to learn new information and over time, an inability to recall already-learned experiences. It affected his ability to recognize his home, family and familiar surroundings. Eventfully, it affected his ability to carry out life’s simple tasks. Fortunately, during the time period of Dad’s diagnosis, for the first time, drug treatment became available. The medicine, although not a cure, retard the disease’s progression. Still, the treatment was extraordinarily expensive; and it was not until Dad’s care transferred to another doctor that we stumbled onto a subsidy program. Based on a patient’s age, income and insurance coverage, the patient could qualify for a drug subsidy program that supplemented the expense of drugs. So, proactively, inquire concerning subsidy coverage for your parent’s drugs and/or medical care.

     As the primary caretaker, accept the role of parent for your child-like parent. As Dad exhibit the Alzheimer symptoms of forgetting to turn off the stove, getting lost while driving to the grocery store, or being easily confused by daily experiences, it was time for me, his caretaker, to become the parent. Still, role reversal is never an easy transition but is essential for an elderly person’s safety. Dad’s drug treatment did retard his Alzheimer’s disease progression; so, gradually his family was phased in as his guardian parent. First, a grandson became his room-mate. Next, when the grandson attended out-of-state graduate school, a neighbor and long-term family acquaintance became the room-mate. And, during his final years, his grand-daughter and her family were his companions. A key factor for an Alzheimer patient’s stability is familiarity and through family commitment, his familiarity of surroundings was ensured. As the primary caretaker, I as my Dad said, became the boss. I assumed his financial and medical care, ceased his driving privileges, became his companion for senior activities, identified and solicited senior activities, ensured his daily safety, and yes, during the final stage of the disease, held his hand as he stepped into the shower for a bath. Without the aide of family assistance and medical or community services, caring for an elderly parent is an all consuming experience.

     Become your parent’s best friend. As a parent ages, the parent may literally out live his/her peers. Dad’s age, 92, and Alzheimer’s disease interfered with his ability to remain familiar with people and events. Yet, the affect of Alzheimer’s disease can be compared to a scratched record. Bits and pieces of former memories exist. Aware that Dad played a trumpet during his youth, I took him to a symphony concert. After the concert, we drove home on Richmond’s Broad Street. As we traveled along this street, he reminisces of another era - the era of swing bands and vaudeville; and for the first time, I learned that he played in Richmond’s swing bands. Identify the childhood and adult interests of your parent, find similar present-day activities, invest time in sharing these experiences, and perhaps, for the first time, you too will become aware of your parent’s life-experiences.

     Provide emotional support for your parent. In many cases, a parent is a widow or widower, has outlived peers, or through health issues become isolated from friends and non-immediate family. The life-style of an elderly person can be a lonely experience. Establish little rituals that demonstrate you care. For example, after Dad dressed for the day, I gave him a hug or kiss on the forehead and said you look nice. Instead of saying good-bye, I said, love you. Regardless of age, we all need to feel loved, valued and sincerely appreciated. Become an emotional support for your aged parent.

     Have no regrets. During his final hours, as I sat beside Dad’s hospital bed-side, I had no regrets. A cousin once described my caretaker experience as having a cloud hanging over my life. Although I’d be the first to admit that caring for an elderly parent is not an easy task, it is equally rewarding. There were days when Dad’s drug treatment failed, when his Alzheimer hallucinations were so vivid that he talked to imaginary visitors, and when his anxiety peaked, we jokingly called him the Energizer Bunny. But, there were also days when his memory cleared and he shared family-stories and stories of his life-experience as a car inspector for the RF&P railroad. So, cherish your parent’s elder years. For, the legacy of an elderly parent is sharing his/her life-experiences.

memory of him, we do not lose.